THE FREE-WORLD SHOOTING MATCH
The Viet Nam War was going well,
So Nixon and Westmoreland said;
In seventy-one they sure as hell
Would put the N.V.A to bed !
It must have been , the Generals thought
Appropriate (they had no qualms)
To give the troops some lively sport-
A tournament of skill-at-arms.
For force morale and national stance
The games would have to be within
The scope of all participants -
And, something that Viet Nam could win.
They called the allied forces down
To Saigon for this sporting bash.
They gave it an Olympic sound -
"The Free-World Forces Shooting Match!"
This "Free-World" touch was quite a laugh,
It was the propaganda bit;
Because the countries were by half
Most milit'ry dictatorships.
The contest was for seven teams
Including Yanks and Vietnamese,
Then South Korea, Philippines,
Australians, Thais, and us Kiwis.
A month before they called for squads
Of eight contestants every team;
We had to find exponents of
The pistol and the M-16.
A week or two we ran some tests
And practice so we could despatch
Those soldiers who might best contest
The Free-World Forces Shooting Match
The Kiwi units had to shoot
To find our shots, the very best,
From Whiskey III, Component too,
The Batt'ry, and the S.A.S.
There were some Logisticians on
The L.S.G, Vung Tau, of course.
We even got some entries from
The "Pogos" at NZ 'V' Force.
The boys were keen to have a shot,
Their places they would have to earn.
It really meant some five days off
In Saigon, not a "Silver Fern".
It was quite hard to pick out eight
Who could be spared out of the batch,
And who'd be fit to undertake
The Free-World Forces Shooting Match
Our team assembled Luscombe Field
From where we'd fly the inland route,
Inside a Caribou concealed
And land, that day, at Ton Son Nhut.
We drove in rush-hour traffic down
The boulevards of old Saigon
Into the darkest part of town
To an hotel inside Cholon.
We ate a meal of plastic food
Of which "McDonalds" would be proud,
And then arose a party mood,
We ventured out into the crowd.
We did the bars, returned at four
For two hours' sleep we had to snatch,
To rest and gather strength before
The Free-World Forces Shooting Match
And then began the gamesmanship
To best ensure a home-team win;
They organised a nightmare trip
To bring us Austs and Kiwis in.
The bus was late, and it was hot,
We took a most circuitous route
Down through the fish market and docks
That ponged like seaweed mixed with puke.
The venue had been decked with flowers,
They staged a march-past in parade,
With speeches that went on for hours,
And in full sun, there was no shade.
Accommodation was set up
In which to rest and make ready.
They gave the Kiwi team a hut,
But not the wily Viet Namee!
They had an aircon shelter there -
No bamboo shack with rice-grass thatch.
There was no doubt; they well prepared
The Free-World Forces Shooting Match
The M-16 shoot was on first
Out on the 100 metre range,
And here the Kiwi luck was cursed,
We'd only lately made a change
To use this plastic "Armalite",
A weapon not familiar.
The Viets had said we had no right
To fire our trusty S.L.R.
The opposition had at hand
Some orderlies to help them out
Who'd load and clean their weapons and
Then serve them drinks and wait about.
They gave us paste, and brush, and tin,
And made us our own targets patch.
We clearly were not meant to win
The Free-World Forces Shooting Match
Our pistol shooters, late that day
Were certainly no better off.
Our 9 mil Brownings could not stay
The distance with the expert shots
Whose larger calibres could engage
Their targets quite a smaller size
Over 25 or 50 range -
Those thunderous Colt 45s.
They'd rigged the targets all too sly
To make the scoring very tough
With double thickness wooden ply,
So 9 mil slugs would bounce right off.
One Kiwi bloke was penalised
For leaving off his safety catch;
' Twas serious, we realised,
The Free-World Forces Shooting Match
Not only that, the teams were fixed;
Selection had been quite suspect.
The national teams that had been picked
Were not apparent Viet Nam Vets.
The Philippinos seemed to be
Some paramilitary group.
The South Koreans undoubtedly
Were a professional shooting troupe.
The Yanks had flown across from Guam
Some 'specially trained US Marines.
The Vietnamese had carefully armed
Their '68 Olympic Team.
We Australasians were the hacks
Who never made it up to scratch -
We really sucked the hind tit at
The Free-World Forces Shooting Match
So, we were conned! But, no big deal.
We knew the big guns had us licked.
We didn't play their game with zeal,
But used the time to hit the streets.
And see the sights of Saigon town -
The Lambros, bikes and smelly cars
In endless traffic flowing round
The shops and stalls and sleazy bars.
Of course, we met some shooters there
From other nations so we took
An opportunity to square
Our jaded nationalistic books.
At "boat race" relays on the night
We showed them all they were no patch.
The Kiwi guzzlers won outright
The Free-World Forces Drinking Match!